Revision

Steven Schwarz

English 102

4/3/2012

Revision Strategy

I chose to revise my paper page by page here.

Page one

First thing I’ll do is completely remove my first paragraph.  Across the board, everyone told me it was too broad of a topic to start, and it doesn’t capture the essence of what my paper is about. I’ll have to start with something a bit more practical and relevant to my topic.  I have a series of questions in my second paragraph that preview what I will be talking about throughout the paper.  Everyone told me I should draw more attention to the main topic of my paper and explain how the other questions relate.

Page two

I was told that the second paragraph could be strengthened by using a source.  I will do that.  The beginning of the last paragraph on this page needs to be drawn to the main topic for relevance as well.

Page three

One source told me to clarify what I was writing in this page for both relevance and in how I explained things.

Page four

Revise the first sentence of the second paragraph for clarity on what I was saying.  I was told to break down the quotes in the last paragraph for more detail as to what it is implying.

Page five

I need to elaborate more on societal pressures in the first paragraph.  There is also a quote in the second paragraph that needs to be cut down in length.

Page six

Using a source in the first paragraph with help my paper.

Page seven

Explaining who my sources are will help readers to understand why things are said by certain sources.  Once again relating the things I say in this page to my main topic will help strengthen my paper.

Page eight through the rest of the paper is without comments.  I assume I did well on these pages for my conclusion.  Some ending comments after the paper was read were made.  I need to draw more attention to my main topic.  Working on my transition sentences will help as well.